There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
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How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
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Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize