i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
don't judge my taste in strippers
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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