You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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