If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
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i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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