Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
