Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
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i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
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We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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