dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
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Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
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So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.