im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
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So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.