marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.