I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
