Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
