My underwear smells like fireworks.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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