Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
