I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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