Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Randomize
