the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
