So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
In America we eat man semen.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
