I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
