The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
