I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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