At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
