It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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