you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
