cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
