It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
