i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
