there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
