Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
