Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
