I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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