The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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