I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
