When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
