He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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