I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
