my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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