he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
