This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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