How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
