Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
