youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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