Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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