I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
