I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
