It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
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I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
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You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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