We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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