Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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