Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize