they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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