I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
