Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Randomize
