This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
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I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
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You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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