If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
