I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Quick, to the slutcave!
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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