I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
