i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
