I love black thongs
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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