i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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