She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
